Thanks to your prayers our Jesus interceded and I was offered and accepted the position of case manager for Bethesda!

So. I applied for a position that I didn't get. I'm thankful I didn't get it but at the same time wondering what God is doing.
Rewind....
It all happened so fast, we got a new administrator in our place of employment who was a program manager in a different home, same set up as mine. Naturally, this position the PM position opens up. I apply. I don't get it, its given to someone from that home. This was last Monday.
I arrive to work on Tuesday to find that our case manager is leaving, I can't help but wonder if this is what God is doing.. He knows advocating for developmentally delayed is my heart and knows that I will fight to the bitter end for them.
After seeking advice from several advice givers in my circle of friends and family, I have decided to wait until the position for CM is posted.... it's Tuesday, the current CM leaves Friday, still not posted. Should I call the administrator, let her know I'm interested? Wait for her to contact me? Wait until its posted?
Does it look bad that I recently applied for something and didn't get it? Which I have figured out that proximity and if you know the individuals in your home has LOTS to do with it. Home A that I would be working at is so close I could spit on it and home B is the current home I work at. While I don't know home A's individuals I do know B's. That puts me in a better position than the last one that I applied for already.
Back to the question of does it look bad that I recently applied for something and didn't get it and now this one is open and I want to apply for that one? Or does it show administrator that I want to move up? That I feel I am qualified for said position and that I want my very very expensive college degree to be put to good use?
It has been a whirlwind of questions for the last week, I need and want clarity and am praying for this. I jsut want what Jesus wants for me.
What do ya'll think I should do? Contact her? Wait?

This may be one of those posts that I come back and read in the morning and delete it because I don't like what it says. Oh wait. I NEVER do that. I'm raw that way. What you see is what you get, so I apologize if this seems like a rant, it's not really, just my heart in its rawest of forms.

It's not easy loving even when you want to rip the other person's eyebrows out.
It's not easy sharing my space with someone I barely know.
It's not easy having patience when I just want to know the answer NOW.
It's not easy understanding the difficulties.
It's not easy not having enough time in the day to love on my love.

These are all common thoughts right about now. Jesus is teaching me to have mountain moving faith and helping me to understand more than I did yesterday that HIS timing is perfect and HIS will will be done no matter what.

I'm not gonna lie and say that the last two months have been easy. They haven't, I'm not going to go into great detail but this current situation (those of you who know keep praying) has put a lot of strain on our marriage, stretched me in ways I didn't expect to be stretched, I wasn't ready for them, I resisted them and still am. Have made me relive things I didn't want to have to deal with again. They've brought out a bitterness in me that I thought was gone, a constant reminder of my brokenness. They've also grown me in ways I didn't expect too. Helped me to love even when its hard, helped me to have just that extra oomph of mercy, grace and compassion. It's a love hate situation.

Waiting. I despise waiting, just like I despise surprises. I'm trying not to think about it, but I just can't help it. It's a big thing on my heart and in my head right now. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but my Jesus knows how badly I want this. Maybe I want it all for sheer selfish reasons but I want to glorify Him through it all. Which leads me to this: how often are you swayed by what you THINK Jesus wants from you? Is it really Him? Or is it just you making it out to be Him? I'm struggling with this right now, is that the case with this current situation.... I pray not. I pray that He has everything in control (which He does) and I pray that I'm not making it out to be Him (which I hope I'm not).

There's lots of unanswered questions regarding many things in our lives right now. None of which I feel like going into on here, not yet anyways. That's one of those things Im trying to muster up the courage to talk about without tears rolling down.

Time with the hub and I is too few and far between, it's one thing to be playing a sport with him but its another to sit and have actual conversation with him where we don't have things like TV to distract us, a dog that wants to play, just him and I. We need more of this. It's incredible when it happens. I think its time to bring back the date idea jar. So if you have cheap/free date ideas please pass them on. Maybe we can all join together and share cheap/free date ideas.

I feel like an idiot, wait let me rephrase that: I don't feel like an idiot I AM an idiot. I question my Jesus as if I know what's best for my life. When in reality, I'm a kumquat. I know nothing. Heck, without my Jesus I'm no better than the dirt on my socks, shorts and shirt when I slide into third. Isn't it comforting to know that we are no better than Hitler? The wickedest man known in history? Isn't it comforting to know that we are just nothing? Don't believe me, look up Psalm 16:2. Without Jesus, we've got nothing and we are nothing. I think about the heartaches of a family that just lost a little girl to cancer, I think about the family that just lost their home in a fire, I think about the family that is struggling to love because their family member was murdered a brutal death. I think about families that are banding together and literally taking it minute by minute and second by second. And then, my problems seem trivial. Better yet, my problems are no bigger than a grain of sand... but MY JESUS still care. He still loves me more than the birds and the stars in the sky. So if someone that loved me that much, don't you think I'd be able to trust Him better? Ha! Thank you human shortfalls. Thank you sin. But my Jesus understands that about us "commonfolk" and meets us where we are, and that is a beautiful thing.

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Jose took these amazing photos, but just wanted to show you what our weekends look like now a days....


Ok now onto something less heavy. It's ask Deb and J and even Wrig any questions you like ... clean of course. We will answer them in the order that they come in and we will try to answer all of them... Have fun, ask away!

Everyone check your pulses. Still beating? Good. It's me here just updating again this week... ready breathe in... and out.... continue.

My heart hurts. Death is not a beautiful thing, the result of seeing Jesus face to face is however a very incredibly beautiful thing. Death of a loved one hurts, it aches, rises questions, in sues fear, draws us closer to each other and even closer to our Jesus, its imminent. We all know we're gonna pass away, kick the bucket, die, move on (insert any other term you want to put here think Patch Adams) and its only a matter of when. We know this. But. It. Still. Hurts.

Yesterday was a normal day at work, until 4:15 that is. When we got that call. That call that we all dread to hear that one of our loved ones in no longer on this earth but with Jesus. It's hard to wrap my mind around it, with average to above average intellect.

Now, think about my friends that I work with. (friends is a better term than whatever you want to call them, so call them friends or your lack of knowing what to call them) My friends who already have a fear of going to the Dr or the hospital because they've seen too many in their day not come back. But then it happens again. Just after we've already had a family meeting expressing our care and concern for said loved one. Imagine telling them. Having to be their rock, setting your own freakin emotions aside. That was my day yesterday. And then imagine having to tell all of your co workers because we've all been praying she would come home. It SUCKS.

I am so incredibly thankful that my Jesus is a comfort to many that I work with as well as all of my friends that I support. I'm so incredibly thankful that she's not hurting anymore, that she's not sick anymore. But it hurts, she loved Coke, loved to laugh and bowl and play BINGO and would count down the days to the next ladies night out.

But I am also so very thankful that my Jesus loves me as I am, a blubbering fool who stands in the next to front row for all of the other half of the church to see as tears stream down my cheeks as we sing worship songs to my Jesus. I'm also thankful that my Jesus meets me where I am. Trust me, after my day yesterday I didn't want to go to church, I wanted to sleep a bit longer, and prepare a bit more for what I would face today. I wanted to be selfish. But my Jesus wouldn't let me because he loves me more than that. He loves me so much that he meets me where I'm at.

I'm thankful for people in my church and family that love my very Jesus and walk across the church to embrace me and say. I'm praying for you, its going to be ok. Keep looking to Jesus. I know it sucks, but Remember, Jesus is with you.

So what's the point of this post. Go love your friends and your family a bit more today than you did yesterday. Give them a hug and tell them that you love them because you never know when Jesus will call them home.

And if they don't know Jesus, help them to know Him. Stinky rottenness, brokenness, mismatched clothes, big bows that take up their entire bad hair, bad haircuts and all, HE DOESN'T CARE, HE LOVES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE and He loves you so very much that He was willing to be spat on, thrashed, beaten so badly that he was disfigured, vinager poured in HIS wounds, throns jammed on His Head, clothing dried into his wounds, while carrying HIS OWN death bed, then his clothing ripped off of HIM only to re open his wounds, and hung to die the vilest of death FOR. YOU.

You are loved and missed beautiful girl.

Sorry we stink at updating our friends and family that are so faithful in reading this!
It's been a month since my MRI/A and I'm excited to announce that my Jesus is BIGGER! I have not had a migraine since the middle of February and the last headache I had was due to my coughing up a lung (thank you walking pneumonia). Dr U put me on a non steroidal anti inflammatory in addition to the other med as a daily thing and its working! We are so very thrilled about this! I feel like a new person and have been adjusting to not having headaches all the time. I feel like a new person!

J is playing on a deaf softball team this year and will be traveling all over the midwest for tournaments... Beware we may be hitting some of our long lost friends (ahem Mr and Mrs Torres) while he is at these tournaments. We are very excited about this opportunity as he has potential to be scouted by deaf Olympic scouts... pretty cool eh?

My mom and Greg were here for Easter and we had a glorious time! They surprised me and brought me mom's piano that she put me to sleep playing for 18 years of my life. And now my living room looks complete. We are praying that trips will be more frequent now and are excited about that possibility. As well as trips to visit all of you more often too.

We really need a new car, so be praying about that for us. Again, my Jesus is BIGGER!

I still love my job as an activity director for developmentally delayed adults and in my minimal free time I've started classes for my Masters! It's exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.

Today I was out on my second walk of the day and came to several conclusions:
1. I stink at loving genuinely ( you know the kind of love that's no matter what the frustration, no matter what the annoyance etc... yeh that one.)
2. I stink at showing my hub that I am fiercely in love with him and also along with this fiercely in love with my Jesus.
3. I stink at treating my body like the sacred temple that it is for my Jesus to live in.
4. I stink at encouraging those who are torn down around me.
5. I'm just a stinky rotten good for nothing broken follower of Jesus that without his love I've got NOTHING.

But you know what, I'm thankful that I am a stinky rotten, good for nothing broken follower of Jesus because I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm redeemed by HIS blood and saved by HIS grace. That's more for me to swallow and more for my brain to contain (Thanks JB for that amazing song) I'm thankful that my Jesus isn't finished with me yet. I'm thankful that He continually breaks me down just to build me better in His image. And I'm thankful that He loves me despite being a stinky rotten, good for nothing broken follower.

Its incredible to believe that in just a few short weeks J and I will be celebrating 4 wonderful years of marriage. Someone the other day asked if it has been wedded bliss. My answer: "No. but that's ok, we're both broken followers of Jesus, if its bliss then something is wrong." Now don't get me wrong, I love J a ton (more than can be described), we both are human though. We argue, we bicker, we love, we laugh and we are in this journey together. But its so incredible to watch the man that I fell (and am still falling) head over heals for love Jesus with every part of his being and its so cool that I get to see his dreams and aspirations and hopes and prayers and live them out alongside of him. I love being in ministry with him, whether we are playing a church league or acting crazified around a ton of middle schoolers. I love watching him love those kids and encourage them to grow in Jesus. This is usually in the form of teaching them how to kick a football, or throwing a baseball with them or wrestling them to the ground and putting them in trash cans... sorry Noah :0)
He's a little greyer now, a little plumper, a lot wiser, a little more funnier, more loving, less of a fashion crisis, and more like Jesus than when I met him 8 years ago in college.

Well that's just about all of an update that I can give.
Until next time....

Its been just about a week since I had my MRI/A done and been on the new medications and things seem to be going well. It was nice to sweat on Wednesday and not have my head feel like it was going to explode. I've had minor side effects, muscle soreness (was to be expected as my head and neck go from being swollen all the time to normal,) thirst and drowsiness.

HOWEVER, Dr U sent my angiogram to a neurologist in Chicago just to make sure that she was doing the right treatments for me. He suggested that the treatment that she had me on be altered a bit, the antidepressant seems to not work as well as they would like so they are trying me on an experimental drug but not until May 15th. I will also need to have this same scan done every 6 months for the first year as they the Dr's figure out the best plan of action as far as treatment. Again, its a good thing I am being treated for fear of something worse.

I also learned from Dr U that specific things that I know and love, soccer and softball, my music a bit louder than normal are all things that I can't participate in so much anymore. That was probably one of the hardest phone calls to make to my recreational coach with whom I was going to play with this summer and tell her that because of my head I can't play. It was also hard to tell my friends and coaches for softball that I can't play this year until the old thinker is under control. The music? well I still play it louder than I should... but not as loud as I did, and hey who can blame a good song on the radio or that amazing song on the Ipod?

With all of the new changes I have been particularly just "going with the flow" something that is generally pretty hard for me, I like to know what's going on and take necessary preventative measures. I like to know where to be and what time etc.

I also learned some discouraging news as far as my Master's program. When I spoke with the PT department at NIU I was basically told that I wouldn't be able to make it in the PT program due to it being changed to a Doctorate program and them only accepting 8 students a semester, oh and the 3.86 GPA requirement and 3.92 to continue in the program. After much prayer and encouragement from Jonathan, I spoke with the Speech Department. The SLP program is not near as intense and I can clep out of several of the classes (a HUGE blessing) because of my sign language fluency. And given my experience with DD population I can take on clientel that most would not be able to take. And NIU has a 98% SLP job placement (another HUGE blessing) We are now praying God would continue to provide the means for me to get my Master's in SLP and are thankful for the blessing that I can take 4 of the 10 courses I need before I can get in this summer and study for the GRE and take that this summer as well.

Jonathan and I have been working feverishly to get our guest bedroom sutible for guests. Here are some of the pictures of the room.

These are the window treatments, and paintings that I did, as well as the file cabinet disguised as a piece of furniture.This is my creation station in the closet. I needed a place that I could hide my creations for when guests come. There are curtains that curtain it off as well.


This is the headboard that Jonathan and I both designed and he cut and stained and trimmed out himself. It will look better once the bed is on the frame and is a bit higher. You can also see the duvet cover that I made as well as the plethura of pillows.
Our first guests arrive Saturday and we are so very excited for them to come!

Please be in prayer for some of our family. I can't and won't go into specifics, but just that they are facing a terribly huge mountain. As I have said before, Jesus is bigger. but join with us as we rally around them with love and prayer.

I can't thank you guys enough for your prayer and support as Jonathan and I find/found out what's going with my head. And we are getting used to having good days where the blinds are open and I'm not sleeping or in a constant pain. Jonathan has been incredibly supportive and is learning the warning signs even before me and is a sooper trooper and is just amazing. He's the best husband in the world!

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share a praise and thanks to all of you who said that you were praying for today's test/procedure.

I arrived at the hospital at 8 AM and by 830 was under a general anesthetic give by way of purple liquid that tasted like feet (especially after brushing my teeth) The procedure itself took an hour and 20 minutes as they explored my head and looked at every single vessel in my head and neck. They were able to find the headaches and whatever else is going on.

I came home and slept and was awaken by Dr U calling me to let me know what's up.

The good news, I have a brain that is healthy and functioning as it should. The other good news is that I DO NOT have a pinched nerve in my neck and head.

The bad news but not so terrible news is I have what is called Familial Hemiplegic Migraines for those of you that aren't body nerds like me this simply means I have headaches that are hereditary due to a mutated gene in my brain and neck this is also the reason my neck gets sore. (you can click on the link if you would like more information as to what's going on in my brain)

Basically what is happening in my head is that the vessels are small (we already knew this) and are swelling due to not getting enough O2 through them. This is how strokes and aneurysms happen. My vessels are swelling but not collecting (this is VERY good news) any debris that is flowing through them.

Dr U suspects that what happened to mom when she had her aneurysm was the same sort of headaches but went untreated and eventually her vessels started collecting blood which then ruptured.

So what next, Dr U wants to keep me on the treatment that I am on now and she has added a non steroidal anti inflammatory at a low dose that I am to take daily to keep my blood vessels from swelling and to help regulate them. I asked if they were going to conflict each other and she said no, but I have another appointment on May 15th.

While I am still at risk because it is hereditary and because I am receiving treatment my risk is DECREASED by 90%. We have found out more about our family history with headaches and now are able to pinpoint what exactly is happening. This is good news for my children as one of them will most likely have this as well.

As with any medical condition, the sooner it's treated the better. I will be on medications for quite some time and things will be switched as we find out what is working the best for me. So please continue to pray that we would find the right combination of medications that work and that my body will tolerate the adjustments.

I spoke with mom to let her know the results and that indeed it is hereditary (which we already knew) but to encourage the boys to get an MRI as preventative measures.

Headaches are no joke, if you have them like I do go get checked out.

Again thank you to everyone that has lifted us up in prayer today, and rejoice with me that there is nothing incredibly serious or immediately life threatening. Jonathan and I appreciate all of the prayers and well wishes both here and on facebook and the phone calls etc.

See?! My Jesus CAN and WILL move mountains!